The Improper Wordsmith

Recently, I’ve been bitten anew by the writing bug, and words have been pouring out into a story I’m working on. I have the general outline of the world’s history leading up to the story, a decent grasp of the shape of my main characters, and at least a vague sense of where the story is going, though that has been malleable. I’ve been following the creative spark, writing whatever bit is shouting loudest in my mind to be put down on paper (metaphorically speaking. I tend to write on the computer because I can type faster than I can handwrite). 

This is a part of my life that I have been missing for quite some time, and I’m enjoying my return to it immensely. I’ve also grown quite a bit in lived experience and learned knowledge since I last allowed myself this much time and energy to be spent writing, and I can see the difference it makes in my work. Among other things, I am definitely more willing to delve into the emotional experience of being human, and I am interested in developing the world more completely than I have in the past. 

About a week ago, I realized that if I wanted to be able to progress in the plot point I was working on, I would need to flesh out the governmental structure of one of the countries in my setting. I knew the general shape of what I wanted it to be, so I read up on the real-world example I was pulling from and then spent an enjoyable afternoon on a mental wander to build out my version. And that is what led me to a few interconnected revelations about my relationship with writing and what exactly has been a stumbling block for me when it comes to writing a well-crafted plot.

You see, another thing I’ve been putting a lot of energy into lately is my mental health, especially in terms of my particular brand of neurodivergence. I may get into specifics and labels another time, but for now the relevant part of my psyche is the fact that I fundamentally and utterly do not understand why people go to the effort of hurting one another or taking advantage of others. I don’t understand the allure of holding power over others outside of an opportunity to make life better for more people. I cannot comprehend the reasoning of a person who has the ability and means to help people but chooses to hoard wealth and influence instead.

I’m not trying to virtue-signal here, or to imply that I’m somehow morally superior to anyone. This is a specific hole in my understanding of the human condition that actually has failed me frequently in the past. One result of my inability to comprehend why a person would do selfish, harmful, or manipulative things is that I don’t recognize when those kinds of acts are directed at me. I’m prone to falling for scams or predatory sales tactics because I assume everyone around me is acting in good faith. I must carefully ration my own exposure to the news because I become distraught not only at the plight of victims of violent acts, but also at my inability to rationalize why a human being would subject another to cruelty and pain. I am frustrated during conversations about social and political events because I want governments to behave as they have the potential to do, not with self-interest or greed. 

This makes it very difficult for me to design a governmental structure that feels realistic rather than idealistic, and to design antagonists who amount to anything more complex than a cardboard cutout of a pure evil Disney villain. And it turns out those two things are relatively important when you’re trying to flesh out a world and a story. 

Now, recognizing the issue is not the same as solving it by a long shot, but it’s enlightening to have made the connection between the difficulties I have in understanding the world and the difficulties I have in writing my own. Because looking back in my own writing history, where I tend to falter is when I have to develop an antagonist or when I have to world build and find myself struggling to create a realistic setting rather than a utopia. 

Even if I don’t understand them, the selfish or power-hungry impulses in humanity are important for me to be able to include in my work, because without them, it’s very difficult to have a plot. What do my characters have to strive for if the world is perfect and everyone is kind? How can we even connect to such characters if they do not live with the same injustices and dangers that we do? 

It’s not a problem I will get past easily, and I’m sure there will be more tears and frustration as I work through it. I wish for a better world than we have, and learning to write more realistically flawed structures and people won’t change that. But perhaps I will at least find a better understanding of our world as I work on improving my writing, and I’m certain that’s what drives many of us to write in the first place.